I always knew that having friends, being in community as it is called, was a good thing. Of course it is. We all want friends, people that get us, that will have our backs, that will help us move for the fifth time (our friends get the moving us award for sure). I know that community is good because of God. God is a triune God, experiencing perfect community within Himself in His three person-hoods as Father, Spirit and Son. God created humankind to reflect that community and so gave us each other, that is, man and woman, and called it "very good" in the garden.
However, it is not until now, when I am on the verge on losing my community, when I have ever valued it so highly, nor ever treated it ever so casually, so recklessly. For reasons I can't even explain, I have been the opposite of everything I aspire to be to those in my community. Instead of humble, arrogant. Instead of kind, rough. Instead of a servant, a bully. Instead of encouraging, a cynic. I have been fighting against this place I have been in my life, and instead of leaving it with the Lord, I have brought it with me everywhere I have gone, and rubbed it off on a lot of innocent people. I hate that.
The truth is that I have been wrestling a lot with the church. Not the big "c" church, just my church. And I love my church, so this wrestling hurts. I have listened to enough sermons to know that you don't just leave a church. I have watched enough people leave in the last 12 years to know that every time some one leaves, I feel a bit betrayed. I have been solidly embedded in the "stay and change things from within" camp if you are not entirely happy for a long long time. But that's sort of the thing I have wrestling with, we have been wrestling with. How long do you stay and fight? I have never felt free to leave before. God has always told me stay. And I have always stayed. Patiently or not so patiently. I have continued to pray, to cry, to speak out, to run the ministry God has blessed me with, to serve, to be in community, to try to fit in some awkward way always feeling slightly out of place.
Until now. Now God has finally released us. And it feels so good. And it feels so bad. So scary. All I want to do tonight is hang out with the small group girls that have been a part of my life for the last eight years. If they would even have me. Because I have not been a very good friend to them lately. I have been caught up in my own drama of feelings and hurts. And I've been divisive and loud. Oh, and also generally not that great to be around. But I don't want to lose them. They are treasures to me, each one of them. I pictured our kids all growing up together, some of them marrying each other, being a part of each other's lives forever. And I still believe that will happen (at least I know Adeline is planning on marrying Joey so that she can be Kate's sister and Haddie's cousin).
I don't know what the next six months will have for us. I don't know where God will plant our little family. I am confident that he will lead us into community where ever we go. I don't know if it can ever compare to the community that we have had the past eight years with our group, or the past 12 years, the past 14 years at our church. But I do know that God is good and that He is faithful. That is enough for me.
Rachel- first of all, I want you to know how wonderful and precious and important you are to our community. I'm crying as I read this. I completely understand WHY you're letting go, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. Your family has been an important and integral and fun part of our group from the beginning. It will never be the same without you.
ReplyDeleteSecond, you're being way too hard on yourself. You have been and are a good friend-- and we all love you dearly. You are smart and savvy and wise and caring and passionate and everything that a good friend is. Please don't ever say otherwise.
And, third, you leaving our church or community group will not be the end. Adeline DOES have to marry Joey (or, I guess Kate could marry Simon or Asher... we have options here). And your friendship is too valuable for us to just let go of.
We are praying that God will lead you in the right direction and until he does, you area always welcome at our house, in our small group, with us. Because we love you.
Rachel - I am so, so sad to read this, and so so sorry not to have expressed this before - you are such an important part of our community, and we just love you and Jonathan and your kiddos so much. You are thoughtful, thought-filled, and passionate in your pursuit of Truth and Family and Friends.
ReplyDeleteI, too, am praying for you all as you seek God's direction for your family.