Real or Fake

I love the Hunger Games book series. There is so much packed into to those three teen novels - if you have not read them yet, I highly recommend you read them, especially before the movie comes out. To avoid spoilers, I'll speak in general terms.

In the third book they start playing this game called "real or fake" to deal with the excessive propaganda and brain-washing campaigns waged against them. Its a handy game. One character will say a memory, or a feeling, and the others will say "real" if it actually happened, or "fake" if it was an implanted or manipulated thought or event placed in his head by the Capital.

Sort of similar to the "real or fake" game, another character comes up with another coping mechanism to determine reality. She starts with the very basics. Her name. Then her place of birth. Then as she is sure of more information, she adds it to her list.

Sometimes life can be confusing. Not Capital-style brain-washing confusing, but we do live in a world full of media and noise and influences in every which direction. My best friend Erin even reminded me today on the phone that the enemy loves this, relishes this confusion. He even causes it in some cases, purposely pitting people against one another.

Today is my birthday - real.

I had a really bad day - real.

My kids made me feel like the most special person in the world today, and that made my day infinitely better - real.

I am a child of God, and He loves me, is for me, and nothing can separate me from His love - real.

On days like today, when affirmation and condemnation are all wrapped up together; when beautiful homemade cards filled with love and presents wrapped by small hands in paper towels are offered up after phone calls filled with tears, I choose to remember the real.

God has formed our family - real.

Even when I am alone, I am not alone - real.

I remember back when I was a freshman in college and I went to work at a Young Life camp up in New York for a summer. I happen to be there for "urban" month, which was kind of fun until a huge brawl broke out in the dining hall between the kids from inner city DC and inner city Philadelphia. That was actually terrifying. But the music was all gospel choir inspired, and the whole feel of the camp was very different than times I had spent at other YL camps. At the back of the small, campy, club building was taped a piece of construction paper that someone had written on in permanent marker. It simply said "Audience of 1" on it. I loved that. The speaker or whoever was doing a skit could look directly at that sign and remember that no matter who was actually physically in attendance that night, that the real audience is always just one person, and that is God.

I will try my best to live my life not for others approval, or disapproval, but for God and to fulfill the call He has given me - real.



"Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ." Galatians 1:10

Lent

I grew up in the Catholic church where Lent was an annual time of fasting, meditation, reflection, and quietness before Easter. It was a time when people often gave something up in order to more fully understand sacrifice, to bring us closer to Christ up on the cross.

This year I wanted to spend the Lenten season in an extended time of meditation and prayer, a season to be broken for the things in my life that break God's heart. I spend most of my time outward focused, either on my family or on ministry, and I wanted Lent to be about just me and God. Sin, weakness, direction, beauty, I wanted God to show me all of it.

The thing about those kinds of prayers, though, the really deep refining ones, is that those are the ones God is 100% of the time going to answer. I swear. He never doesn't show up for those.

I started with an old litany - the litany of humility. Guided prayers aren't usually my thing, but I find that they can be helpful to lead my heart where I want it to go when it is not fully ready to go there on its own. They also keep me focused and on track. I tend to wander.

Here it is:

"O Jesus! meek and humble of heart, Hear me.
From the desire of being esteemed, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being loved, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being extolled, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being honored, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being praised, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being preferred to others, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being consulted, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being approved, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being humiliated, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being despised, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of suffering rebukes, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being calumniated, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being forgotten, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being ridiculed, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being wronged, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being suspected, Deliver me, Jesus.
That others may be loved more than I, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be esteemed more than I, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That, in the opinion of the world, others may increase and I may decrease, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be chosen and I set aside, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be praised and I unnoticed, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be preferred to me in everything, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it."

It is slow progress, and God is gracious to reveal my strongholds slowly to me.

Got anything going on for Lent this year? Want to share? Have you been following Gavin Rogers? He gave up his house for Lent. I kind want to go down to SA and talk to him :)

Community

I always knew that having friends, being in community as it is called, was a good thing. Of course it is. We all want friends, people that get us, that will have our backs, that will help us move for the fifth time (our friends get the moving us award for sure). I know that community is good because of God. God is a triune God, experiencing perfect community within Himself in His three person-hoods as Father, Spirit and Son. God created humankind to reflect that community and so gave us each other, that is, man and woman, and called it "very good" in the garden.

However, it is not until now, when I am on the verge on losing my community, when I have ever valued it so highly, nor ever treated it ever so casually, so recklessly. For reasons I can't even explain, I have been the opposite of everything I aspire to be to those in my community. Instead of humble, arrogant. Instead of kind, rough. Instead of a servant, a bully. Instead of encouraging, a cynic. I have been fighting against this place I have been in my life, and instead of leaving it with the Lord, I have brought it with me everywhere I have gone, and rubbed it off on a lot of innocent people. I hate that.

The truth is that I have been wrestling a lot with the church. Not the big "c" church, just my church. And I love my church, so this wrestling hurts. I have listened to enough sermons to know that you don't just leave a church. I have watched enough people leave in the last 12 years to know that every time some one leaves, I feel a bit betrayed. I have been solidly embedded in the "stay and change things from within" camp if you are not entirely happy for a long long time. But that's sort of the thing I have wrestling with, we have been wrestling with. How long do you stay and fight? I have never felt free to leave before. God has always told me stay. And I have always stayed. Patiently or not so patiently. I have continued to pray, to cry, to speak out, to run the ministry God has blessed me with, to serve, to be in community, to try to fit in some awkward way always feeling slightly out of place.

Until now. Now God has finally released us. And it feels so good. And it feels so bad. So scary. All I want to do tonight is hang out with the small group girls that have been a part of my life for the last eight years. If they would even have me. Because I have not been a very good friend to them lately. I have been caught up in my own drama of feelings and hurts. And I've been divisive and loud. Oh, and also generally not that great to be around. But I don't want to lose them. They are treasures to me, each one of them. I pictured our kids all growing up together, some of them marrying each other, being a part of each other's lives forever. And I still believe that will happen (at least I know Adeline is planning on marrying Joey so that she can be Kate's sister and Haddie's cousin).

I don't know what the next six months will have for us. I don't know where God will plant our little family. I am confident that he will lead us into community where ever we go. I don't know if it can ever compare to the community that we have had the past eight years with our group, or the past 12 years, the past 14 years at our church. But I do know that God is good and that He is faithful. That is enough for me.