This post is in response to a recent blog post that circulated around the adoption community and beyond; this particular post received almost 300 comments on the author's blog alone, and I'm sure many more on the countless facebook, twitter, and blog accounts it was re-posted on. Every single comment I read was a positive one, except mine and one other of my friend's. It is not my usual mode of operation to write a response to someone else's opinion or blog; we all have our own personal views and ways of raising our children, and in the adoption community especially we tend to stick together pretty closely. However when I see something I feel is so obviously egregiousness and it is going not only unchecked but praised, I feel as if it is my duty as an adoptive parent to stand up and say something.
If you have not read this particular post, please don't. Just know that the author wrote it in the name of being "authentic" and "real" with her audience. She did this by sharing the intimate and personal details of behaviors the two children she very very recently adopted from Africa were displaying. Behavioral details her children, had they been able to express themselves properly in English and had the right social skills to know it was wrong, would probably not want their new mom sharing with every stranger on the internet. I understand this mom's need to be heard. I understand her need to be validated, understood, and encouraged. I understand it. But I don't agree with how she went about getting it.
As parents, and adoptive parents especially, we are walking a tight-rope of trust. What is harder than us being overwhelmed, exhausted, and struggling to connect with the kids we just brought into our families? Our kids adjusting to an entire new culture, entire new language, entire new family, entire new set of expectations at every corner, new foods, smells, and sounds, an entire new trajectory for their entire lives. Literally EVERY SINGLE ASPECT of their lives have changed with a plane ride. Anything at all we do to damage the trust we build with them may have ramifications we may not know about for years to come. Why would we want to expose their hurts and wounds and damaged selves for the world to see? They are acting out of fear and hurt, we should be searching for that unique and precious "child with-in" not blogging about how angry and nostalgic for the pre-adoption days they make us.
I see this as an alarming trend in the adoption world. As parents blog before and after they bring their children home they write about their raw emotions way way way too authentically. We must remember as a community that our children could someday read this. The internet is permanent. We can be authentic and say that the post-adoption days are not all peaches and roses, that there is real pain and grief to work through, that there are peaks and valleys, that you better have a major support group around you, that some days you are so overwhelmed by the walls your child puts up you have no idea how you will ever knock them down. We can also be authentic and tell people there is no greater joy than seeing the newest member of your family give you a real hug, a huge smile, play with joy, be a kid - a pleasure they were robbed of in their home country, blend in seamlessly to your family, tell you they love you for the first time, snuggle with you, relax around you, try a new food and like it, make a friend for the first time. There are ways to be authentic and real without being painfully revealing on the internet.
Adoption community: please, instead of posting public blogs about your raw emotions, journal about them on paper, talk about them with close friends, family, and your small group. After all, that is what they are for. Create an adoption support group to talk to. Or perhaps if you just can't stop blogging, you may want to start a private blog for close friends and family. Once you are a few years removed from this transition period you can talk to people about the realities of what post-adoption looks like at a seminar or conference for families looking for information on adoption. But for the love of Pete, please don't publish such private details of your children's own histories on the internet for all to see.
This is so true. Our children's struggles are not for the world to know... and while we may need to vent, that doesn't mean it's okay to talk about it. It's almost as if people are gossiping about their own children. Sad!
ReplyDeleteVery well said. And thank you for saying it.
ReplyDeleteI'm pretty sure you're talking about the same article I read, so I thought I'd chime in on your response. As I read it, I do remember feeling uncomfortable with how specifically she was discussing her children for LOTS of reasons (but I will keep my whole other soapbox diatribe for private conversation). That said, the overall impression I got from the post was that it's important to continue to provide community and support for people after the initial homecoming/funeral/etc, which I think is important. The only time I've ever heard a similar sentiment discussed was in grief & bereavement centered lectures (with other professionals). I have no idea if that was the author's intention or not though.
ReplyDeleteOn another note, I really liked this sentence - "There are ways to be authentic and real without being painfully revealing on the internet." I completely agree. I think the line we walk when we put our lives out for the public (be it via social media, blogs or published memoirs) is expressing our most authentic, vulnerable selves while honoring the privacy of our spouses, children, family and friends. It's not easy.
Oh, and as you can see, I've quite grown to love writing a response to blog posts! At first I was kind of shy about it, but I've since de-lurked.
ReplyDelete